All the single ladies
(All the single ladies!)
Now that I have your attention, we need to talk about why he hasn’t put a ring on it. Because I think we can all agree that whatever it is you’re doing, you’re doing it wrong.
As Alana Massey pointed out last week in The Cut, single women are problems that need to be solved. They are either “trying to hard” or “not putting themselves out there enough.” Often both at the same time.
For the love of God, ladies, would you get yourselves a bloke so we can cross you off the “World’s Greatest Problems” list and move on to lesser crises such as refugees and the Zika virus.
Based on the best scientific research garnered from the most reputable sources, also known as whatever my social media feeds served up recently, I’ve compiled, for your convenience, a 5 Step Girl’s Guide To Getting A Man.
1. Be 20 forever
Online dating site OKCupid analysed data from tens of millions of searches and discovered that while women prefer a male partner around their own age, men in every age group prefer their female partner to be in her early twenties. Even older men want to date women younger than their own daughters.
And as the co-founder of OKCupid Christian Rudder helpfully points out: “A woman’s at her best when she’s in her very early twenties. Period.” Not in your early 20s? Never fear, there are lots of things you can do to make yourself look younger than you are. Just read on.
2. Don’t try to look younger than you are
As self-appointed expert in female attractiveness Serge Bielanko from Your Tango explains, Botox and other cosmetic procedures designed to turn back the years actually make women look like “a cellophane-wrapped murder victim.” Obviously he’s not up with the data from OKCupid, because Bielanko just can’t work out why women could be so stupid as to try to look younger. “It’s high time somebody called them on it. Maybe we can save a few beautiful people from themselves,” Bielanko says.
3. Don’t wear… practically everything
This one really is scientifick! There’s a study and everything. According to some nameless dude writing for Galore Girl, 99.9 per cent of guys hate, well, pretty much everything in your wardrobe.
“You’ve probably rehearsed the ‘I dress for me, not for men’ speech so many times… But us guys are entitled to an opinion too,” says Mr Anonymous. Since we’re scraping the bottom of this particular barrel, let’s hear what “99.9 per cent” of guys hate: high-waisted jorts, peplums, rompers, fake nails, ridiculously high heels, big sunglasses and bandeaus.
I’ve actually never heard of bandeaus before now, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that 99.9 per cent of guys probably don’t have strong opinions about boob tubes that look like a surgical bandage.
And then over at Huffington Post and Metro there is even more “research” into women’s clothes that men hate, such as wedge sneakers, high heels, pointy toes, tights, maxi skirts, harem pants, beanies, floppy hats, open-sided shirts, bright lipstick, heavy eye make-up, bandeau (again with the bandeaus!) bikinis, high-waisted jeans, high-waisted skirts, fold over ankle boots, pant suits, drop-crotch pants, hair bows, bangles, over-sized sweaters, mullet dresses, leggings, shoulder pads and a whole heap of other stupid sh*t I can’t be ar*ed typing.
4. Don’t act strong or helpless. Or nurturing. Or sexy or seductive.
Now that we’re all clear on what not to wear, let’s move on to behaviour. Some expert bro from Your Tango is here to tell us how not to act. Clayton Olson, wants us all to know that we can “accidently sabotage” our relationships by, well, being ourselves.
Don’t be a “problem solver” because you will undermine a man’s “sense of competence”, but don’t need help or expect your man to be a hero because he’ll “resent” your “incompetence”. Don’t be a “ball buster”, don’t “dote…fuss…or worry.” Don’t focus on the equality of the relationship and don’t expect to be put on a pedestal or think that it’s your duty to make the relationship work. It’s simple really, just make sure you’re not competent or incompetent, independent or dependent, caring or uncaring, concerned with being treated equally or different… you get the idea.
5. Be yourself
The most important thing to remember is “Be Yourself, Not The Girl You Think Guys Will Like.” After all, men hate it when you’re not authentic. If you can’t cure your single condition after this advice, ladies, then quite frankly you’re just being difficult. And I’ll tell you this for free: men don’t like difficult women.
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