‘Tis the season for cheap food, cheaper booze and forced festivities. Welcome to the train wreck that is the office Christmas party.
Some guy from head office will go on like a pub bore about the great year just passed, omitting to mention the redundancies, falling profits and unpaid bonuses.
Brian from IT will make lewd comments about his hard drive and your USB port, Kate from accounts will vomit on her shoes, Simon from legal will mutter under his breath about liability while Jenny from HR silently prays that everyone keeps their knickers on until they’ve left the premises.
But as any corporate solider knows, the real fun starts the week beforehand when the Secret Santa names are allocated. The Universal Law of Secret Santa states that you will be required to buy a gift for the most sexist, patronising, man who has made your life a misery all year.
But don’t despair. Santa’s elves are here to help.
Buying the perfect Secret Santa gift for the Office Misogynist takes thought and consideration. With all the good will of the Season, we present the following gift ideas.
1. For the All-Day Online Porn Watcher
Perfect gift: Man-sized tissues and some hand cream.
The thoughtful gift for the co-worker who always seems to be zipping his fly as he opens his locked office door.
2. For The Dish Head
Perfect gift: A dish brush and a schematic diagram about where the dishwasher is located and what those wire thingies are used for.
The ideal gift for the misogynist who’s all in favour of women getting into the workplace — especially since they sacked all those tea ladies.
3. For the Office Funny Man
Perfect gift: C@#t Soap from The Museum of Old and New Art (Mona)
This wonderful soap is the perfect addition to the bathroom of the co-worker who makes hee-lar-i-ous witticisms like ‘You can’t trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn’t die.’ Such comedic gold is usually followed by ‘You’re not offended are ya‘? Just a joke’ as he tries to bring his guffawing under control.
4. For the Office Boob
Perfect gift: A tit apron
A tit apron with a little card that reads ‘Here’s a pair of your own, perhaps now you can stop staring at mine and start looking at my face’ is the ideal gift for the misogynist who has no idea what you just said because he’s too busy staring at your rack.
5. For the Misogynist in Denial
Perfect gift: A sticker for trying
Sure to be a hit in the office of the Leader of the Opposition. Nothing says ‘feminist’ like the misogynist who thinks he can’t be one because he loves women so much he even married one.
6. For The Victim
Perfect gift: a sympathy card.
Christmas is particular hard on The Victims of the Matriarchy. I mean, nothing quite says ‘male obsolesence’ like a virgin birth. Sheesh, even God’s against men. The only thing to do is express your sympathy.
7. The Conspiracy Theorist Misogynist.
Perfect gift: Cruel Hoax: Feminism and the new world order
Closely related to The Victim, the conspiracy theorist is no longer downtrodden. He’s gone out and got edumacated. He reads books from the men’s movement like Cruel Hoax which explains how feminism is ‘elite social engineering’ designed to poison male-female relationships, create a totalitarian world government, and caused communism AND 9-11. How’s that for multi-tasking?
This article first appeared in Daily Life (without the pictures)